Breaking the Silence...

Nothing I think makes sense and nothing I feel seems real. 

This must be a dream! How can there be nothing, with the presence and hope of something? 

It’s called loss. 

It has the ability to stuff everything that makes us who we are and our world tick, so deep down that we ourselves can’t even begin to dig through the rubble. 

The tension between gut wrenching pain versus the mentality that it’s all okay. Because that’s what I’m supposed to be. Why? Because that’s what’s acceptable. 

So I press forward. Take a deep breath of tainted air and move. I can’t stand still or the slightest breeze will tilt me off course. 

Those horrific minutes turned into hours, and then days, and then months, which will eventually turn into years. More tension rears it’s ugly head. To continue to fight or to allow fear to rest and settle. 

I’ll be honest, I’ve settled some. The loss turned to sadness and sadness has created this monster called fear. If it could just go away so I could continue without this fight that has overcome every ounce of my well being. 

The memory of events so vivid. The waiting...oh the waiting. I couldn’t be patient any longer and I took matters into my own hands. I guess patience didn’t matter, the outcome was still the same and I couldn’t stop it from coming in like a harsh wave on a stormy night. The voice on the other side of that phone...so insincere. Like any other day. The situation lightened by word choice, tone, and medical terms. Or so she thought. 

I remember saying thank you, as to be polite in a tense confrontation. But the minute it was over, I had no breath! No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t place those words back in her mouth. They were spoken, not to be undone. 

Tragedy struck. Hard. And here I sit with emptiness. This moment...this feeling...so unexplainable. Unaccountable. Incomprehensible. 

Our road to four quickly went back to three. 

Life Between the Exits

Life is a journey. A journey traveled in many directions, but with only one true guide. In the midst of a crossroad we tend to pause or hesitate, unsure of which path to choose. It is at the crossroad that we are given the opportunity to take a peek in the direction from which we came, to gather the life lessons we have learned, to reflect on the life we lived, and to remember all those precious moments/times you had with people who have impacted you, filled you with godly advice, and became great friends. For those will now become a piece of knowledge for the road to come, advice to give others from your experience, and memories that you will cherish and that will last a lifetime. Perhaps when you look behind you, you see things you would have done differently, take those with you also for those too can be lessons learned. However, don't get stuck on the road traveled, but rather embrace the road to come with open arms. For you and I both know that relationships created from before will always be with you as you travel, just in a different way. Cherish your journey. Enjoy the moments you have with those who are with you at those times. Find the joy in the road blocks and traffic jams. (It may be God keeping you from other harm) For we never know when God will call us to exit the current flow and challenge us with a new one. 

We live life between the exit signs. We need a break from the current flow of life sometimes, or we need to be rejuvenated. Either way if you are still cruising down the path at a steady pace or were called to exit make the most of every minute of your life. I don't often regret decisions or choices I have made in my life, doesn't make the journey easier, but it's because I know that it's all driven with purpose. The only thing I tend to regret, maybe better stated as something I would change about the road previously traveled, is the impact for the Kingdom I've made. I know there is always more I could have done with the time I was given at the exit.  Time is a real thing, not something grasped or understood, but rather to keep us in constant motion. Too many times I've wished to have more of it. There just are not enough hours in the day! John Wesley said, "Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all they ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as you ever can." 

"Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works. We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul- not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us." Colossians 1: 9-12

2 Sides To Every Coin

Like a coin, decisions have two sides. Usually before a football game a coin is tossed and the teams get to choose head or tails. They have a 50% chance to gain some control, but it's control that could change the outcome of the game. One side of the coin represents silence. The other side represents voice. But there is a part of the coin that people don't pay attention to. The ridges. Believe it or not the ridges on certain coins today have a meaning behind it, and you might already know the purpose. Back in the day when coins were made of real gold and silver, dishonest people would sand down the edges (without ridges) of a coin to make it worth less. With the created edges, the government could tell more easily if the coin had been tampered with because of the ridges they created on the coin. The ridges exposed any type of damage that had been caused and the worth that had been shaved away. 


I was taught from a very early age that words are the voice of your heart. You can change your thoughts once they have been thought, but you can't take back your words once they've been given a voice. Perhaps this validates my introversion and formed my love of listening. One way or the other, I began to value words, the meaning behind them, and the certain voices that were given to them. Certain words strung together to create a strand of thoughts could draft even the simplest soft-spoken voice. Yet, on the other side of the coin can be used for manipulation and selfish reasons. One side demonstrates love while the other demonstrates hate. There is no in between. There is no "like". 


But what about the ridges? Does that give us an out? Does it allow us to go along riding the outside never to venture to the "heads or the tails"? No. The ridges simply represent the outcome of our decisions. We choose silence or spoken words, and either way we go...we get ridges. We still face the regret of our silence or the hurt we've caused with our words. It's the bumps in life that try to throw us to one side or the other. It's the result of the choice we just made. Take the ridges as they come. Don't anticipate their presence thinking you can swiftly lunge over or dodge under them. The ridges help us grow. They challenge us to see the decision we just made and how to make a better one the next time. They demonstrate the struggle we have on a day to day basis as we decide to swing to one side or the other. Sometimes they keep us humble, other times they make us arrogant. 


So before you speak, value your listener. Will a voice behind your thoughts add to their value? Would silence be better than words? Could it diminish your value by speaking or by keeping silent? Don’t let anyone steal your voice, but speak with care and concern. Listen when given the chance, speak the words of your heart and know that the decision you made may (will) come with ridges. Don’t let anyone shave away your ridges, or take away your value. Although sometimes we can’t see past our own insecurities, the ridges serve as a purpose of growth and not of harm.

Which side of the coin are you on and what have your ridges taught you?  

James 1:19

“Let everyone be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger because the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

 Ephesians 4:29

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  

The World has Stopped Spinning....

Have you ever had those moments in your life, when the world stops spinning? I'm sure many people would say when they had a tragedy happen, when they were going through a divorce or lost a loved one is when their world lost momentum. In moments of tragedy and pain the world seems to actually spin faster for me, like I can't get a grasp on the daily hum of life while dealing with grief in a healthily way. Usually I either feel like the world is spinning at its normal go-with-the-flow pace or it is as if the world is a basketball being spun on top of the finger of a Harlem Globetrotter. And if the world seemed like either one of these ways to me now, I think I could rest easy knowing it's the normal everyday spin cycle, but I can't quite figure it out. Maybe the world is just frozen from the single digit weather we've been experiencing, but whatever it is I'm not sure I like it so much.

I guess if I had to put a name to a less familiar face I would call this stagnant world, fear. I've travelled this road before. It's all too similar to past expeditions, yet with different road blocks. However, there doesn't seem to be a simple fix with different turns to take for a different outcome. I know the outcome, just not the process in which to get there. I can't just hurdle over the median, I seem to have to fight my own inner battle through learning, observation, and a little stumbling! A confident heart can lose interest at the first sight of stumbling. So do you continue without the world spinning with you, or do you wait for the world to spin again? 

I guess it doesn't matter if it's spinning or never again to budge, but rather whose hands your world is in! A piano at my figure tips is simply just a song, but at the figure tips of Mozart it's a beautiful symphony. A word spoken from my lips is just a breath, but from the lips of Christ a life saving message. A paint brush in my hand is a stick figure, but in the hands of Picasso, a masterpiece. A staff in my hands could assist me through some tough terrain, but in the hands of Moses could part a raging sea! Five loaves of bread and two fish in my hands is only a sandwich that I probably wouldn't even eat, but in the hands of Christ is food for a generation. Nails in my hand would probably be put back in the toolbox, but nails in the hands of Christ is eternal life, the greatest gift you could ever be given.

So even in my unknown world in its unknown state, I place my world in His hands. For only he can make it spin again! 

Psalm 37:5-6 "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

For Such A Time As This

 I don’t know about you, but the rain yesterday didn’t help my Monday motivation. I can’t believe it’s already Tuesday of this week. Time sure continues to fly by at a rapid speed. Sometimes I have to sit down and not take for granted the good times and moments I have shared with everyone that has been graciously placed into my life. The retreat really helped me to slow down, but I’m back at my normal go go go, so now I have to really focus! Take some time this week to sit and realize all the great thing going on in your life and remember who provided them for you! :o)

 What would you do if you knew that everyone in your circle of life would be gone in a blink of an eye? Would you stand up? Would you fight? Would you use your voice? If you look in the Bible you will find a woman who did. Queen Esther. She is known to be a heroine of her day! Saving the Jews. God used her for a purpose and at the right time. She probably at the time didn’t know she could make such a difference, but that fact that she too was a Jew resonated with her and she desired to do something about for the sake of others. It was her TIME.

Esther 4:14 ,”For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?”

What does “for such a time as this?” mean to you? Have you had your time? Maybe you have, but you don’t even realize it. When has God used you to do something extraordinary for others with a Kingdom purpose? Have you passed up any of those moments? Are you in your time right now? If not, can you imagine using one of your gifts or talents for God on His timing? Would you be open to anything? I truly believe God has something extraordinary for all of us for the purpose of furthering His kingdom! Why wouldn’t he, after all He is extraordinary!!! Are you ready? If not, look out for opportunities, you never know when time might be knocking on your door.

You Are That Which is Sought!

Psalm 27:8
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek.

How do you seek God? How do you find Him in the midst of your week? Do you find yourself running to Him, or do you hold back and wait for Him? Do you have a solitary place where you sit in awe of Him and His presence? Do you bask in Him as you walk? Do you listen to worship music on your way to work?  Do you use every ounce of your being to grasp even just a little more of Him every day?  In a dependent state of needing His grace…how do you find it? In all your seeking thus far what does His face look like?

Hosea 10:12

¹² Sow with a view to righteousness,
Reap in accordance with ^[a]kindness;
Break up your fallow ground,
For it is time to seek the Lord
Until He comes to ^[b]rain righteousness on you.

Haven’t read the book of Hosea in a while, but it’s all about God’s unconditional love in the midst of His children dishonoring Him and worshiping other gods and a wife being unfaithful to her husband. Whether we can relate to worshiping other “gods” or being unfaithful in any manner or not, we are each called to seek the Lord in every capacity. With all intensity, focus, ambition, and desire we can accumulate. Then maybe in your seeking you will find the one who seeks you too!

You are that which is sought!

What do you seek? Who do you seek? And how do you seek?

Maybe your seeking needs a little work…mine sure does!

He Holds Our Hand

A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter, 'Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river.' The little girl said, 'No, Dad. You hold my hand.' 'What's the difference?' Asked the puzzled father. 'There's a big difference,' replied the little girl.

'If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go.'

In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. It’s a big deal. And the BIG difference between trusting and not trusting, is life and death. Sounds drastic, but I’m not talking about trusting or not trusting your friend to come through with something for you, your son or daughter to do their chores in a timely manner, or your spouse to stay faithful through your entire marriage. It’s not an earthly trust that causes life or death, it’s a godly trust. It’s actually quite simple you either trust God or you don’t. But why does TRUST have such a detrimental connotation?  

According to the dictionary trust is, “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing; confidence.

2 Corinthians 3:4-6 (NIV)

“⁴ Such confidence we have through Christ before God. ⁵ Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. ⁶ He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

Many times it’s hard to trust, most psychologists believe this is because of experience rather than the failing of human nature. I would have to agree. When I was little, I trusted everyone and it wasn’t until I experienced a personal breaking of trust that I began to question the reliance of others. Is it fair to cast those feelings of distrust towards others because of one experience? Well, no but it doesn’t help in any situation and often times can result in un-forgiveness.

Whether experience leads you to trust or not, there is a special bond with Christ that we can have, and a place to put our trust. Isn’t it comforting to know, that HE holds OUR hand, even when we tend to pull away. Don’t let negative experiences get in the way of putting your trust in CHRIST!!!